The Kitchen Incident
by animedeprived
Summary: Kaiba has gone a business trip to Las Vegas and left Mokuba in charge. Mokuba invites Yami, Yami Bakura, Tristan, and Joey over to watch Marik when they let him into Kaiba's kitchen unsupervised. Strange things happen. Please r&r!


animedeprived: HI EVERYBODY! READ MY FANFICTION!!

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, or Spider-Man, and I don't approve of the use of drugs, violence, or gambling, but if it's in a story and makes it funny, go for it!

What would happen if you let Marik into Kaiba's kitchen unsupervised

Marik digs through the cabinets a few times before noticing a huge locked cupboard off to one side. Through the glass, he can see twenty two-liter glass bottles full of vodka.

Grinning, Marik uses his Millenium Rod like a hammer to break the lock. He pulls out a bottle and looks around the kitchen for a bottle opener. He doesn't see one in the open and he doesn't want to search for one, so he smashes the bottle on the counter, breaking off the neck, and starts chugging.

10 minutes later...

Marik is bouncing off the walls, literally. He finishes his fourth bottle of vodka as he is crouching on the counter. He grabs another vodka and because of the halucinogenic effects of the alcohol, he believes he is Spider Man, so he leaps to the ceiling. Amazingly, he sticks and stays there as he chugs the next bottle.

20 minutes later...

Marik has just finished his twelveth bottle of vodka and is still hanging from the ceiling by his hair. He yanks another bottle out of the cabinet and decides he needs to do something really destructive. He crawls over to the drawers and digs through them. The first thing he finds is a crystal punch bowl. Staring at it stupidly, Marik flings the bowl to the ground and watches it as it lands on his bare right foot and shatters, slicing his skin to ribbons.

Marik shrugs and continues digging through the drawers and cupboards, breaking everything he finds, except for the knives and forks, which he flings at the ceiling until they stick.

Half an hour later...

Every cupboard door in the kitchen has been flung open and all are empty. It is impossible to walk on the floor without having at least a hundred shards of broken glass become imbedded in your feet. Marik does not care. He is just finishing the twentieth bottle of vodka, so his brain shut down a long time ago. When the vodka bottle is empty, Marik stares at it for a second, then breaks the bottle over his head.

Now Marik has nothing to do, so he starts looking around wildly for another source of entertainment. To his very drunken glee, he spots a large array of butcher knives hanging on the wall.

"Sharp objects!" Marik yells, running over and snatching up the two largest knives. He starts attacking the kitchen with them. "Now I can dig to China!"

While all of this is occurring...

Yami, Yami Bakura, Tristan, Mokuba, and Joey are all standing outside the door, listening and snickering. They were on vacation from school and were bored, so they decided to bring Marik to Kaiba's and see how much damage he could do before Seto returned from his "business trip" to Las Vegas. Following Mokuba's advice, they had shoved Marik into the kitchen and locked the door earlier that day.

"This is TOO rich!" Yami Bakura laughs evilly. "He's destroying Kaiba's kitchen. This was a great idea!"

"Yeah, it'll teach him not to go on vacation and leave Mokuba in charge!" Yami adds.

"Yeah!" Mokuba agrees. He pauses. "HEY!"

"Kid, you gotta get us a copy of that security tape!" Joey said. "By the way it sounds, this'll make one heckuva film."

Tristan sighed. "This is just one of those times when I wish Tea was here."

"I never thought there could be a time to wish Tea was present." Yami Bakura said.

"No kidding." Mokuba agrees. "Anyway, if you really want her, she's here."

The guys leap back to the wall and huddle together for protection. "WHERE!!!!?"

"She's not HERE, as in at this exact spot, but she is in the house. Big brother told her to stay here and make sure nothing happened while he was out gambling away our fortune- er, I mean, on his business trip. I had the gaurds throw her in the basement the second he was out the door. We had to put bars on all the windows, and there's a constant gaurd on the door, but it worked. She's been down there for a couple weeks. Are you guys sure you want me to have her let loose?"

"Yes!" Yami says. "Have the gaurds tell her that Marik is in the kitchen and has decided to give up his evil ways and become her BEST friend FOREVER."

Mokuba shook his head. "I know Marik's the bad guy and everything, but that's just too cruel. We couldn't do that to him. It just wouldn't be right." He grins wickedly and holds up a corkscrew, quickly punching five holes in the wall. "NOW we can do it."

Ten seconds after Mokuba gave the order, a cloud of dust is coming down the hall and they hear Tea yell, "I'm coming, Marik! You and me are going to be best friends FOREVER! Wait for me right there! Don't go anywhere!"

Yami unlocks the door, holding it open cerimoniously. Tea runs in, completely oblivious to the other four boys cringing in the far corner. The second her foot is in the kitchen, Yami SLAMS the door shut, shoving her the rest of the way in, then relocks it.

After exchanging high fives, the guys crowd around the holes Mokuba made, watching the scene inside unfold.

Marik's delusions of being Spider Man have worn off, being replaced by severe mental regression. For all you stupid people out there, that means he thinks he's a monkey. When the door slams shut, he looks up from slashing the curtains with one hand and ripping off a cabinet door with the other. His feet are wrapped around the curtain rod, keeping him suspended on the wall.

"Mokuba told me you've finally seen the light and wish to deny your evil ways and join me as my best friend forever!" Tea says happily. "That's great! No one's ever wanted to be my best friend forever yet! In fact, some people say it's torture just to be a distant acquaintance of mine! I hope you realize that by becoming my best friend forever, you are obligated to relinquish all past ties with any other friends, wear only the official Tea's best friend forever uniform, move in with me and never, ever go outside, have no contact whatsoever with the outside world, and memorize my novel on the wonders of friendship and love, which is in about three hundred books of more than one thousand pages each, and I'm not even halfway done yet. That way, you can help me spread my message to the entire world. Oh, and when I say my best friend forever, I mean FOREVER! There is no terminating the contract and when I die, you follow me to the blazing gates of oblivion, where we shall be together always." Tea smiles. "How does that sound? Not too harsh, I hope!"

All Marik hears during the entire speech is "Blah, blah, blah, vodka, blah, blah, blah, gnomes rule, blah, blah, blah, PCP, blah, blah, blah, remember to keep your hands at 10 and 2, blah, blah, blah, HURT ME!"

Marik blinks, shrugs, and advances toward Tea.

"Group hug!" Tea exclaims throwing her arms open.

Marik sees this as a threat to his masculinity and starts screeching. He holds up the knife high and runs at Tea, slashing wildly. He leaves Tea covered in long, bloody slashes, turns, and leaps out the window, through the pane of glass and the screen that covers it.

After watching the entire gruesome scene, the guys go into the kitchen, laughing.

"This place is a mess!" Tristan says.

"Yeah, Kaiba's gonna be ticked!" Joey adds.

"We should do this more often!" The two yell, high fiving.

Yami, Yami Bakura, and Mokuba are standing over Tea's unconcious form.

"What sould we do with her?" Yami Bakura asks.

"We can't just leave her here." Yami says. "She might wake up. That's definitely not good."  
"Don't worry about it." Mokuba says. He pulls his walkie-talkie from his pocket. "Hello, security? I need you to come up to the kitchen on the third floor and carry the Package back to the basement. Please be quick about it. We don't know how long she'll be unconcious. Don't forget to lock the door behind you. Oh, and call a contractor. We need to fix the kitchen exactly as it was before Seto comes home."

Two weeks later....

A group of explorers hacks their way through the dense Amazon Rain Forest, watching the jungle around them for poisonous creatures.

"I hope you're sure about this new species of ape." One said. "I would hate to have come out here for nothing."  
"Oh, I'm sure." Another replied. "I discovered him three days ago. He seems to be the last of his kind. From his physical characteristics and behavior, I can safely theorize that this creature, whom I have named Mr. Crappy Pants, could be the missing link between humans and apes that we have been searching for all this time."

The explorers reach a small clearing in the forest. In the center of the clearing is Marik, unconcious and still about seventy sheets to the wind.

One of the explorers pokes him with a long stick and jumps when he twitches.

"Is it dangerous?" He asks.  
"No, in fact, he hasn't woken up the whole time I've been studying him. I think he's in some sort of suspended animation, and will wake up only when the appropriate signal is given. I propose we take him back to the lab immediately and run DNA tests and the like, to figure out exactly what this magnificent creature is."

The oldest explorer claps the young man on the shoulder. "You know, Butterfield, there could be a promotion in store for you in the very near future. Keep up the good work."  
"Thank you, sir."

animedeprived: (snicker) Mr. Crappy Pants.


End file.
